we broke up last night. it's one of the hardest thing, you know, breaking up. and it's also unfair. we don't deserve this. he said he's changed but i know, deep down, that's not true. he's just hiding the fact that he's doing this for his family. i woke up at 6 AM and then, started crying. this is new to me, crying when you woke up. i just held minnie.. and cry. crying is my refuge. i think when people cry it washes away a little part of your sadness. maybe if i cry all day the pain wouldn't be there anymore. but then i know that i'm just bitterly joking myself.
i don't understand the fact that he can let me go. i thought he loved me, but all he ever say is sorry, and that he loves me, and that things have changed.
he said that he doesn't deserve me. and swears that he'll be a better man for me. doesn't he know it?? i don't think any man could be better. and about the changes, I'll cope with it. i can understand.
why this? why break up? now i have to tell this to mama and everyone. but then, i don't think i can. it just makes it so.. so.. official.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
break-up: the first day
so it continues:(
so i called his house at 5 PM, and manang said that he's sleeping. i really cried already as we were(manang) speaking. i really need someone to talk to and just tell everything. just someone who will be there, at least. i tried to call aney, my best friend, but i forgot that she has summer class. and i had this agonizing long talk with her mom about summer classes and why i don't have one without her noticing that my heart is ready to burst with tears. i remember friendship and kakang, but they don't have landlines and they don't have smart numbers. so my next option was F. i called her and really really cried my heart out. she told me to ignore him or something(i wasn't really listening at this point for i was like, close to blacking out(no hyperbole or anything)). then i remembered that she has a new boyfriend, ivan(long story). it was really hard to make myself happy for her even for just about 2 minutes or so. i was really really sad.
then i called again just this 7:30. his mom answered and she told me that she's still sleeping and asked me if it's important so she can wake him up. i said it is and she woke him up. the moment i heard his voice i knew i'm gonna cry na. and i did. he seem so cold. it's so not him. i asked him if he's sick or something or if he has a problem, or has no time. just any excuse. I'd be ready to accept it even if its the dumbest excuse there is. but i believe he just said that he'll call me. that's it. it was like, nothing happen. what the fuck is that about? i mean, you didn't call me for the whole day and now you'll act like we just talked 5 minutes ago?? if my mom isn't sleeping by my side id be cursing him to hell. and besides, i was crying like a drama queen already, so it was a lil hard for me to speak. all i can say was "bakit?" for like 7 times. it was really shitty. i mean, i was in a relationship before but this never happened to me. so it was really hard. so now im still waiting for his call. i just hope he won't forget it.. really really hope.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
kismet:(
damn. i think he's still frigging mad about yesterday. I'm seriously starting to doubt if he still loves me. hello?? why can't he friggin call me? I'm also waiting for him to IM me at YM. this is hard you know. he's not usually like this, and i hurts so much:(. i really love him na, you know. as in seriously love him. like, even if my ex calls me or anything, I'd still choose him. i really really do:(. but why is he doing this to me? is this a punishment? the hell, i don't even deserve this. haaaay. i really miss him so much. it's been 9 days since i last saw him. we didn't even get to see each other on our monthsary. waaaah, i think I'm gonna cry again. doesn't he love me anymore? oh shit, here comes my doubts again. fucking love. why does it have to hurt when you love too much? bloody hell. i hate feeling like this. haaaay. maybe he's busy.. that's why he can't call me or something.. i dunno. but I'm gonna wait till he calls..:(
